[Official Transcription of Tim Owens’ Guide to the 1999 Strong College Art Show: ]
Back by popular demand, the powers that be have just put in your hands this year’s guide to the art show! Using this guide will help you be a successful, semi-literate art critic! Here’s the rules: From the options below, fill in the blanks with the pithy art term of your choice. And again watch as your friends & neighbors marvel at your artistic knowledge!
I think the whole Neo-_____ movement is so last year.
(a) Neo, (b) Troglodyte, (c) Dairy, (d) Leo, (e) Modern, (f) Tinactin, (g) Parrot.
It’s meaning is quite obvious if you consider the influence _____ art made on it.
(a) Shiite, (b) Hittite, (c) Copernican, (d) Flecker’s, (e) Bar Room, (f) Bathroom, (g) Boudoir, (h) Leo.
Frankly, I think you’re absolutely wrong.
I remember sitting around with _____ (a) Warhol, (b) Burton, (c) de Kooning, (d) Leo, (e) Haring, at the opening of _____ (a) Tiffany’s Caberet, (b) Harper’s Car Wash, (c) MOMA, (d) Weatherspoon, thinking, “Man, is their work going to be huge!”
I dunno, maybe it could use more _____.
(a) Garlic, (b) Depth, (c) Tragedy, (d) Color, (e) Leo, ’cause you can simply never have enough Leo, (f) Transgender influence in its portrayal of today’s social confusion and inability of stability, (g) Extra Cheese, (h) Neo (see question one).
(a) Yes, (b) No, (c) Maybe, (d) I don’t know, ask Dr. White; she knows everything.
Glad you asked. Why yes, I come from the _____ (a) New York, (b) Tampa, (c) Chicago, (d) L.A., (e) Ramseur, (f) O’Hara, (g) Nashville, school where I specialized in _____ (a) applied debauchery, (b) paleo-Romanticism, (c) post-cynicism, (d) Kung Fu, (e) painting with monkeys, (f) Flecker portraiture in various mediums, (g) dynamic representation of the human form in whipped cream.
The sheer _____ (a) gall, (b) brevity, (c) witness, (d) centripetal force, (e) weight, (f) ugliness, (g) randy delight, (h) Neo-Leo-ness, of this piece is _____ (a) staggering, (b) mildly erotic, (c) nauseating, (d) Fleckeriffic, (e) Sassy! (f) aggravating, (g) subterranean, (h) <make the Italian hand-kissing gesture here>.
Frankly, I think you’re absolutely wrong yet again. Jeez…
Bzzzt! Please leave my viewing space. You’re interfering with my appreciation of this piece.